Sweet

I started a cleanse so that I could try to detox my body. My back is always sore. My eating isn't always great, and let's face it. I need to lose weight. The cleanse I chose is a really easy cleanse. It only requires 30 days of no alcohol, no sugar, no caffeine, no soy, no dairy, and no gluten. Easy.

Here's what the days have looked like to far:

Day 1: Asleep at my desk by 2:30pm.

Day 2: Sneak bites of a ham sandwich while no one is watching, which forces me to stand in the corner of the kitchen facing a wall of cabinets.

Day 3:Drive around looking for a coffee shop because I am really about to fall asleep while talking to my clients and then become so ashamed of my lack of willpower that I decide to tell myself that I am just scouting local parks for summer camps for Doof and then go back to work and try to hang myself on my cube wall.

Day 4: Doing well all day until about 8:45am when I somehow ended up in the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru and I have ordered a small black coffee. I was WIDE AWAKE FOR ABOUT EIGHT HOURS and I did a lot of work stuff. Then soccer and pollen and sneezing happened for about an hour and when we got home, Doof brings me a bowl of ice cream. Then he brings out Travis' ice cream. The wheels came off, people. It took me a flat five seconds to consume my entire bowl of ice cream and then I notice that Travis' bowl has so much more than mine. I say to Doof, "Why does Daddy's have so much more than mine?" And guess what he says! "Yours has the exact right amount for you. Daddy's amount is right for him." What was I supposed to do? I waited until Doof turned his back and started to very slooooooowly reach toward the other bowl. I had it in my hand and I was taking just a tiny taste and it was almost in my mouth and I was watching the spoon get closer and closer. I looked up to see if Doof was still looking the other direction, but you should know by now that my luck had run out. Doof stares at me with mouth agape and starts running toward me screaming, "NO! NOOO! NOOOOOOOO!" I scoop the tiny bite of ice cream into my mouth and have another huge spoonful ready to eat and my motions are so methodical, so perfectly timed...dip, scoop, slurp, dip, scoop, slurp...and Doof comes and grabs the bowl and spoon right out of my hand as I polished off about half of the bowl of ice cream in the last remaining second. He looks at me and screams, "THAT'S IT!!! MOM!" And then he starts to refill Travis' bowl to make up for what I had scarfed, so as I walk past him in the kitchen I made the best sad and disappointed face I could muster. Doof looks at me and I look at Doof and as he scrapes the container clean he says, "Here, Mom. You can lick the scooper."