Drunk People Aren't Known For Having Great Ideas.

You guys. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's been a while. You must just be so...fond...of me by now.

Okay. Listen to this story from 2005.

I lived on the second floor of these old and crappy apartments that were within walking distance to both the downtown area and the football stadium when I was in college. Rent was expensive...but not as expensive as a DUI, which is why these crappy apartments were always full. As you can imagine, that complex was also full of drunk idiots.

One night, my four male neighbors from upstairs got really drunk while they packed their stuff up to move out of their apartment. Well, "drunk" doesn't really do justice in describing their altered mental state, but, whatever. Keep reading.

So, one guy had the courtesy to come to my door and ask that I move my car before they threw their sofa over the third floor balcony. I obliged, and then my friend and I watched from the sliding glass door as a full-sized sofa teetered on the rail of the third floor balcony and then crashed to the ground.

Drunk. Idiots.

Well, the story doesn't end there because simply sending the couch over the edge wasn't enough for them. I walked out onto the balcony with my friend as two or three drunk guys started dragging the sofa into the middle of the parking lot.

Me: "Hey. Uh...what are you guys doing?"
One guy: "We're KILLING the couch!"
Other guy: "HAHHAHAAAA!"
Some other guy to the other other guy: "Tell him we're ready!"
One guy: "We're READY!!! Get your keys!"
Me: (crickets, then a thunderous noise of about ten people running down the cement stairs.)

They dragged the couch to the middle of the parking lot (you know, where the cars drive, not where people sit on couches and watch movies) and then another guy gets in his car and backs it out of the parking space and drives off. The idiots are all standing around and I start slowly realizing that they're planning on trying to run over the couch with the car. I mean, that's a brilliant idea, right?

I look further over the edge and see about fifteen guys watching and waiting to see how cool it's going to be to run over a couch with a car. Over to the right, I see the headlights of the old 1986 Honda Accord drawing nearer and finally coming to a stop. I hear the idiots urging him to "GO! GO! GO!" and like something out of a movie, he revs his engine a few times. I look over at my friend and we silently agree that we are about to witness something that could not possibly end well.

In slow motion, the engine revs one last time right as the drunkest idiot decides he wants to sit down for a second. You know...he obviously needs to rest. He was really too drunk so stand to even a minute longer. Actually, he can't stand up for even a second longer, so he decides to RUN and flop onto the sofa just as drunk driver guy puts the petal to the medal. I start waving my arms. "NO! STOP! OH MY GOD!!! STOP!!!" And then I see crash and the really tired drunk guy literally goes flying about 30 feet through the air before skidding across the asphalt on his face.

The cops showed up. People got arrested. Guys still have scars.

Drunk. Idiots.

I thought you needed to know this story.